“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.