I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?