My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I need better friends
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
me hooking up with my ex
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”