[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.