The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no