Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
You Might Also Like
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Deer are just ballerina dogs
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Growing out my freckles.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*