“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
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Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.