I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa