Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You Might Also Like
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.