On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.