*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Good morning
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.