[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.