My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”