[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
We’ve all been there…
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?