me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
what could possibly go wrong?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach