WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
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The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
That’s incredible! 👌
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.