[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Just grow your own
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency