“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore