Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
when someone rings the doorbell
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”