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[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
the red hot silly peppers
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.