this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
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4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
favorite tropes as memes
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
But I really needed water water water
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday