People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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sigh
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.