If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My flabber has been gasted.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Going into Monday like
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.