Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Sign at work today
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m not lazy
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.