the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅