I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.