Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…