[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.