ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.