I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
The 6 types of sex
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?