It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I can also cook 😂
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.