me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I want this so bad
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
this FaceApp is creepy af
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]