If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley