Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
That time Alicia messaged me
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.