All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.