I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.