People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
You Might Also Like
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART