[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
🙁
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞