god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
shut up and take my money
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.