My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”