I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.