Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.