What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
my professor scared me for a second
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again