Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
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Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Got ya covered
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT