Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it