My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
We’ve come full circle
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…