“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave