If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Goodnight 🐶
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?