Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
They’re called werewolves.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.