I’m so full I could puke a horse
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
stop
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
this is uni
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do